Don't Drop the Baby: How to Stop Getting Hurt (transcript)
One of the most common ways we get our feelings hurt is in that circumstance where we’re trying to tell someone how we feel – whether we’re angry or sad or happy or disgusted, or whatever it is – and it doesn’t go well.
Now, when we are expressing how we feel in the moment, there’s a kind of vulnerability that goes with that. It’s like “an opening of the gate.” And what really matters is what happens next.
When you’re about to express your feelings to someone, treat it the way you would if you were handing your baby to someone else. You would be looking to see, “Is this someone who cares about my baby, who knows how to hold my baby? Are they ready right now, or are they distracted?” In other words, you’d assess the “receiving field” for your baby. It would be very reckless for someone to just say “Here, take my baby!” and then just release it without being confident that the other person will hold the baby in a caring way. That’s a prescription for pain and injury.
To cut down on those hurt and bruised feelings you need to practice regarding our own emotions as if they are your baby. When you express your emotions to someone, hold on to that value: “I’m only going to share my heart when the other person can receive it with care, understanding, and respect.” This may seem as though it limits communication, but actually it preserves communication. Good communication doesn’t happen while feelings are getting hurt.
When you want to express your feelings to someone, when you want to share your heart, pay attention to where that person is right there in that moment. Regardless of how they usually are, where are they right now. Are they attentive, or are they distracted? Do they have the capacity to understand you right now, even if they see things from a different perspective? Are they in a place right now where they can be respectful and kind in response to your emotions? If you hand them your heart, are they going to hold it and care for it in a good way?
If the answer to those questions is “no”, it’s really important to wait until later to share your heart – to prepare the soil before planting the seedlings, so to speak. You’re really going to be glad that you did. And I promise, if you start practicing this, you’re going to start seeing significant improvement in that relationship. You’re going to like how the communication goes, and you’re really going to like a lot more how it feels to not have that bruised heart.
Now, when we are expressing how we feel in the moment, there’s a kind of vulnerability that goes with that. It’s like “an opening of the gate.” And what really matters is what happens next.
When you’re about to express your feelings to someone, treat it the way you would if you were handing your baby to someone else. You would be looking to see, “Is this someone who cares about my baby, who knows how to hold my baby? Are they ready right now, or are they distracted?” In other words, you’d assess the “receiving field” for your baby. It would be very reckless for someone to just say “Here, take my baby!” and then just release it without being confident that the other person will hold the baby in a caring way. That’s a prescription for pain and injury.
To cut down on those hurt and bruised feelings you need to practice regarding our own emotions as if they are your baby. When you express your emotions to someone, hold on to that value: “I’m only going to share my heart when the other person can receive it with care, understanding, and respect.” This may seem as though it limits communication, but actually it preserves communication. Good communication doesn’t happen while feelings are getting hurt.
When you want to express your feelings to someone, when you want to share your heart, pay attention to where that person is right there in that moment. Regardless of how they usually are, where are they right now. Are they attentive, or are they distracted? Do they have the capacity to understand you right now, even if they see things from a different perspective? Are they in a place right now where they can be respectful and kind in response to your emotions? If you hand them your heart, are they going to hold it and care for it in a good way?
If the answer to those questions is “no”, it’s really important to wait until later to share your heart – to prepare the soil before planting the seedlings, so to speak. You’re really going to be glad that you did. And I promise, if you start practicing this, you’re going to start seeing significant improvement in that relationship. You’re going to like how the communication goes, and you’re really going to like a lot more how it feels to not have that bruised heart.